WANTED: A date for Artemis
by Snow.DQ
Summary: No. I am not advertising a date for an imaginanry person. Instead i am writing a fanfic! Sorry for those who are disapointed! Written by Snow747 and SnowDQ.
1. Chapter 1

**WANTED: A Date**

Authors' Notes: This is our attempt at writing the absolute worst fanfic imaginable (with agreeable grammar, of course, since I can't stand bad grammar). Most of this was written by snow DQ and edited by Snow747 (and co-written – she took hold of the keyboard occasionally). We were attempting to write the worst fanfic ever but in my opinion it turned out way better than expected. I actually like it and it has an great plot… so pls review and we would love to know if we should continue… ENJOY!

It was nearing Artemis' prom, and he still hadn't got a date. He was considering putting posters up advertising for a date. And this would be a great idea… if there were any girls at his school. So instead of that he planned to go to a bikini club.

After school, Butler came to collect him and drop him off, repeatedly stating that it was the stupidest idea so far this century. He didn't pay any attention whatsoever, and got out of the car in his full wetsuit (with Booties too)! As he did this, a girl walked by and he said "Nice day for sun tanning in cute little bikinis, eh? See you by the pool, Hottie!"

As soon as he did this Butler raced of in the opposite direction. He walked to the receptionist, receiving an odd stare. He leaned against the desk and gazed at her bikini. As he did this, she directed his eyes to the sign behind him saying: 'Strictly No Males (especially those dressed in wetsuits – unless they pass… **THE TEST**)'.

"I'm ready," he replied, and was directed to the middle of the pool and was thrown some Speedos and a bottle of suntan oil. "What's this for?"

"Pick a lady," she said, as if it was obvious.

At this, all of the surrounding girls darted towards the changing room, seemingly faster than humanly possible, saying things like "Bye! I have to go… er… walk the pet elephant". Except for one, unfortunate soul who was too busy reading a magazine with her headphones and sunglasses on.

The receptionist said "Your decision has obviously been made for you because I'm not taking part!" She looked unusually relieved.

"I still don't get it!" he said think of his diving course.

"THE TEST is basically you have to rub suntan lotion on a /coughpoorcough/ girl. Duh what else did you think this was?"

" I haven't been trained in this part of diving yet" he replied cluelessly.

"Jess" the receptionist called, and instantly she rolled over, like she was the one that was always picked… and Artemis knew why.

She was slim, and in one of the smallest bikinis ever worn and was most teenage males idea of the perfect girl. He instantly fell for her.

He wobbled over to her in his wetsuit and booties and started to rub her back with suntan oil. Apart from the fact that she couldn't see him and he spilt half the bottle over her, he would have been your average Hottie. He tried his best attempt to sweet talk her but failed miserably. His attempt went something like this:

"Hey cutie where have you been concealed for my entire life? And where did you get that itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny yellow polka-dot bikini?" At this he slapped her butt and a piercing yelp filled the air. She rolled over removed her sunglasses and screamed even more. " Will you got with me to my prom?" Artemis begged and added "even better if you came in that sweet-thang!"

After a few more screams she ran towards the changing room, dragging her oh so stylish ipod behind her and just as she reached the changing room she fainted.

When the ambulance arrived, Artemis offered to give her CPR, but the ambulance driver told him it may not be the best of ideas. But Artemis…convinced she said yes… and the reason she fainted was because she was so excited left to buy his designer suit…which he would never wear again.

SNOW747's EXPLANATION: This is supposed to be stupidly entertaining. Any mistakes/plotholes are intentional. Bikini club's don't exist, they are a figment of INSERT YOUR USERNAME HERE, PIPPA's imagination. Artemis does wear designer suits, so the last clause of the text is an intentional plothole. PLEASE don't post a review telling us all about our continuity errors, our OOC Artemis and our general oddity. You're welcome to dislike it and you're welcome to give constructive criticism, but at least try to come up with something positive for each negative comment. There WILL be chapters to follow!


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:

Disclaimer (which we foolishly forgot last chapter: We don't own anything. Except the concept and OCs (who are pretty easy to tell from the canon characters, even if the canons are OOC).

After the incident at the Bikini club, Artemis was the most popular boy ever to have visited; in his head. He was incredibly excited about the prom for the first time in his life. It was as if he was a completely different person. He was determined to make Jess think he was the dream boy friend she never had; but has a chance to get to know.

Butler took Artemis to buy yet another of his designer label suits, which according to Artemis, had to be different, cause this was a once in a lifetime chance. He tried on just about all of Armani until he found the right suit. Butler found this terribly amusing as every time he tried on a suit he would dance with the shop dummy he requested. He even bought the dummy so he could take it home to practice passing 'The Test'. This night was a big deal for him, and he didn't want to muck it up. It had to be perfect. And if anyone got in the way of his perfect evening…boy would they be sorry. If any one got in the way, it would be Tom Fenton, the jockey who absolutely detested him. His full variety of English words was just a bit larger than: "Hey dude wassup?" or "Looking good (girl's name)". It was a shame that most of those words were slang and not even proper English. It has been suggested that Tom was the influence of the acting Artemis used to steal the painting. Artemis suspected that he hated him because of they many times he called him stupid for not being able to understand what he was saying. He was also a 'babe magnet', which was what Artemis was most worried about.

SNOW747's NOTE: This particular chapter I had no part in writing, which is a shame. Believe it or not, it is quite entertaining to watch Snow.DQ struggle with her grammar! (Joking: she's actually quite good). But please, please, please, PLEASE review, because it is rather sad when our only review was posted by the co-writer (me), and I don't want to slip into depression. Thank you.

Snow.DQ's Note: What do you think will happen next? We will continue if we get reviews… HOW DO WE KNOW WHAT YOU THINK IF YOU DON'T TELL US? WE ARE NOT MIND READERS! More of snow747 and Snow.DQ's wacky ideas to come… If we get reviews


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3:

Disclaimer: WE OWN NOTHING BUT THE CONCEPT AND OCs.

It was the day of the prom and Artemis was walking around in one of his many suits. Recently Butler had described him as in daze, as he had practically been floating around the house as he recited Romeo and Juliet for the hundredth time, with the stage directions. This was hilarious as he would play the part of Romeo and kiss the rubber dummy he had bought just to practice and perfect the swing and kiss motion you see in those soppy love movies. He even told Butler to got and buy a bunch of roses, and practiced holding them inbetween his lips yelping each time him bit down on a prickle. Once he was sure he had mastered the art of sweeping a girl off their feet he went down to the local mall, which was a huge step for Artemis, as he would go to nothing less than a designer mall toilet. This made road trips surprisingly difficult, if they didn't take the 'FOWLMOBILE!' AKA: The Family Car. This was because Artemis' father had hired the best automobile and toilet builders in the country, to build the most posh marble bathroom they could on wheels. Now you will see why it was such a big deal for him to be going to the local mall.

He pranced in, with a definite jump or bounce to his walk. He turned around and read the sign that hung above the door to a small, almost hidden shop filled with girls. Its name consisted of 2 words: 'Bikini' and 'Bonanza'.

SNOW747's NOTE: Yet again I have played no part in the creation of this wonderful chapter. However, I did edit it (not that much needed changing), which was unusually difficult seeing as Snow.DQ wouldn't stop talking/singing/irritating me. Right now she's peering over the edge of my laptop. CONTAMINATING IT! Please review! PLEASE! OFF THAT LAPTOP GIRL! YOU'RE KILLING IT! MY POOR LAPTOP! Please review to save my computer :D.

Snow.DQ's Note: Please ignore most of what Snow747 has just said, all apart from the part about reviewing. Please also listen to all that I say as it did write this amazing story and deserve some respect…More than Snow747's laptop. For now I will leave you with my last few sentences. Treasure them always!

…What is going to happen next? It has already been planned but won't be released until we receive X number of reviews. So get posting!


	4. Chapter 4

Part 4:

Disclaimer: We own absolutely NADA! But, of course, the concept and the OCs.

There were rows and rows and stacks and stacks of the smallest bikinis imaginable. Artemis was overwhelmed by some of the strangest looks since going to the bikini club. Was it just him or was it something with bikinis? He always seemed to be around bikinis. He would usually scream and run for his life, but since he meet Jess all was different.

He paraded in to the shop and marched up to the counter.

"I would like to purchase one of your sexiest, and make that smallest, bikinis." This was said with a completely straight face, but the giggles, which were not meant to be heard, exploded through the shop. Some girls were practically rolling over the floor. A 14-year-old boy, wearing a designer label suit, had just requested a bikini.

"What?" he shouted. "I do have a girlfriend, believe it or not. I am one of the sexiest boys at my school." At this the remaining standing girls threw themselves to the floor and rolled about, screaming things such as:

"You? A girlfriend?"

This was defiantly not one of the highlights of Artemis' day. But then the Bikini was brought out, still sitting on the shop mannequin. Well, 'sitting' was perhaps the wrong word to use. 'Wrapped tightly and seemingly uncomfortably around' was slightly more apt. It was pink and purple, studded with jewels, which lined it's edges and drew an interesting flower pattern across it's surface. The top half was just two small triangles joined together by a huge ruby (or a very good fake) and its straps were of the wrap-around variety, and were also decorated with glorious gems.

"What is the point of this?" Artemis exclaimed. The shop owner pointed to the label that read: For those ladies who want a man to notice them or those sad, lonely men who want to see a little bit more to satisfy their desperation. At this Artemis exclaimed:

"PERFECT!" Now he was almost ready. Just one more practice…

SNOW747'S NOTE: I actually DID help write this one, but I only contributed several sentences: the bikini description. I actually owned a glittery flower-patterned bikini; I never wore it and now Snow-Elf owns it (now, go read her fic, "Countdown", which she will soon update or I swear I'll kill her – after you review this one). Please review. PLEASE? Yes, we ARE desperate.


	5. Chapter 5

Part 5:

Disclaimer: stuff we own: Concept (and by concept, I mean the bikini clubs and this particular plot, NOT the AF concept. That's Eoin's).

Stuff we don't own: Anything in the actual books.

After leaving 'The Bikini Bonanza', with the purple and pink jewel and flower-patterned bikini, Artemis headed home requesting for Butler to carry the pink bag. For once in his life, Butler said… NO!

They arrived home, Butler very embarrassed to know Artemis, and the boy summoned Juliet for an 'important assignment'. Juliet arrived on the scene thinking it would be something to do with fairies and cool stuff like that, and was very disappointed, in fact, disgusted, to find out what Artemis' task was. Butler hadn't even heard it yet.

"Now, Juliet, you know how you said you would help Butler protect me by any means possible?"

She replied with and unsure "Yeah…"

"Well, I would like you to try this on."

"What exactly would you like me to try on?" she was even more unsure than before.

"This" He said tossing her the bikini he bought for Jess to her.

"NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO. NO! How is this protecting you?"

"It is protecting me from embarrassment."

"But that is not physical torture!"  
"You're right, but have you ever heard of those movies when the poor genius gets their head stuck down the toilet?"

"More like the nerds get beaten up by the cool people. Look, please, I would rather protect you then. I HATE BIKINIS! And Butler swore to take care of you by any means possible, so why not him?"

"Because I would rather not experience a life scarring… err… experience."


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6:

Disclaimer: this is getting really boring. WE DON'T OWN NETHING!

After Juliet had left the room and was getting changed Butler had a talk with Artemis.

"You know Artemis, she is my younger sister and this is kinda awkward."

"Butler, my friend, I am not going to tolerate this stupid behaviour. Now if you're that pathetic, look the other way. But for myself, I need to get used to women in bikinis."

"…But Artemis, what 'childish behaviour'…"

"Butler you know very well when you have been childish. I mean not carrying that pink bag, and making ME suffer complete embarrassment. That is just pathetic" After this Butler shut up and prepared to leave the room, when a rubber dummy came flying through the door of the room that Juliet was getting changed in.

This dummy was no ordinary dummy as it had Jess' bikini on it and a bit of lipstick. Juliet stood triumphantly at the door and smiled as if she was taking it all as a joke.

Artemis was fed up now, and decided it was time to try negotiating. He considered giving Juliet a raise, but had a better idea.

"You know, Juliet, how about, if you put this bikini on, for more than five minutes, I will raise your pay: but part of it will be paid in wrestling videos."

She considered it, but Artemis knew her too well, and she had to give in. She grumbled and stomped back into her little room, dragging the dummy by its hair.

The time it took her to put on the bikini was amazing and Artemis was desperate for her to hurry up. She came out with a towel wrapped around her, but she knew Artemis would make her take it off soon.

"Come on, now, Juliet, don't be shy. Let me see that feminine figure."

Juliet shuddered at this, and dropped the towel. This was not what Artemis was expecting, as Juliet had a very muscled figure, which did not suit the bikini's style.

Just as this happened, there was a buzzing noise and Butler raced out the door, desperate to escape the room. He checked all the screens, but saw nothing until he opened his eyes after he ran out of the room with them closed. Holly was standing at the front gate wearing a 'hoodie' and a pair of jeans.

"Who is that?" questioned Artemis.

"Just an old friend," Butler replied.

Holly was led into the room to see Artemis standing there admiring the Bikini, and Juliet standing there barely wearing anything.

"You? A Bikini?" She shouted, feeling as though she should be rolling all over the floor. Juliet grabbed the towel and dashed into the room from which she came. Artemis turning to give a disapproving look to Holly.

"Ooh, sorry." She said in a sarcastic tone. "Was that your date?"


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters,

Artemis, Holly and Butler were lounging around in Artemis' room. There would have been 4 of them, but Juliet was sulking around in hers.

"What is it now?" Artemis questioned Holly impatiently.

"Well, Artemis…" Butler said in one of those calm, soothing tones that really annoy people when they are fed-up or angry. "…You missed out one tiny detail about tonight…"

"Yeah right, Butler! It's me we're talking about!"

"Do you know how to dance?"

"Of course I do, Butler!"

"Prove it…" At this Artemis started leaping around the room doing some sort of fairy folk dance.

"Hate to break it to you, Artemis. But that is not going to steal Juliet's heart…" Holly was not allowed to continue her sentence as Artemis, desperate to be heard, shouted at her.

"She is NOT my girlfriend!" Artemis leapt from his seat and turned to stare Holly directly in the eyes.

"Who's a sensitive mud boy?" She muttered under her breath.

"Her name is Jess…" Artemis said in a dreamy fashion. "And she's perfect for me…"

"Yeah...she has no brain!" If Artemis hadn't been reciting Romeo and Juliet at that moment in time, Holly would have been 'attacked'. Holly did not see this as a threat, because the most harm he could do to a three year old would be to take their lollipop.

"OK!" Remarked Butler, finally stepping in to take control. "Artemis, you clearly don't know how to dance and Holly is here to teach you… NOT to fight with you. Honestly, you're behaving like children!"

Artemis led Holly and Butler to the famous Fowl ballroom, in which 3 seats were positioned. Butler had obviously requested them to be placed there just after getting off the 'phone' with Holly 2 hours before. Artemis started to stretch in one of the oddest manors Holly had ever seen.

"Show me what you've got mud-boy!"

At this Artemis began doing something which a human would describe as a mix of a Waltz and a 70's disco!

SNOW747's NOTE: Once again I contributed exactly NOTHING to the actual content, except, of course, for this masterful message and a small amount of editing (she's getting less sloppy with her typing – I guess it's because she isn't tired or in a rush… Our exams are over now: YIPEE!). I hope you enjoy this and REVIEW! PLEASE!

SnowDQ's note: She doesn't want to write a note… I'm all alone…


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters,

Holly had 1 hour left to teach Artemis to dance, and they had gotten nowhere in the half hour before. Holly was about to give up, when Artemis finally spoke:

"Holly, don't take this the wrong way, but I CAN'T DANCE WITH SOMEONE HALF MY HEIGHT!"

"Fine then! You're the genius. You think of something!"

"OK. Give me 5 minutes." Artemis darted out of the ballroom and into Butler's security booth.

Holly sat on the floor playing with the mud man's game-boy, desperate for Artemis to return as she knew that he would kill her, or get Butler to, if he couldn't dance. He returned with his dance partner, which fit the description of a body builder in a white ballroom dress. This of course was exactly what his dance Partner was! Butler looked like a little girl that had tried to put on her mums lipstick, and failed miserably.

After a whole hour of desperately trying to teach Artemis to dance, Holly gave up and let him go and get ready. After he had left the room, Holly spoke to Butler… After a while Artemis decided it was too hard to dance with Butler as Holly laughed to whole time…especially after the twirls!

"So how was he?"

"Ok. I just hope he masters the Tango… Does he actually have a date?"

"Well…Sort of. He thinks he does but I am not sure if the poor girl actually heard him, or if she heard him, if she'd come."

"Well what are you going to do if she's not there?"

"I have been secretly researching, trying to find out where she lives and after dropping Artemis off, I could go and pick her up. Of course I would have a dress all ready and if she refuses…I would pay her."  
"Artemis better not find out…You never know his reaction."

"What else can I do? He has already told everyone at Bikini Bonanza and his school he has a date called Jess."

"Just hope he doesn't find out."

SNOW747's NOTE: Again, nothing here was written by me… and I didn't get to edit anything. I just got rid of those annoying green squiggles that word puts under perfectly acceptable sentences, not understanding that people tend to speak in fragments, so it IS grammatically correct, simply because it isn't and people rarely speak in a way that is (I've been studying dialogue – I know, weird). So now I hand you over to the girl who DID contribute: SnowDQ.

… who has just informed me that she 'hasn't got much to say' – except that.


End file.
